seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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