Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
