i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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