i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
