On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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