remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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