My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Randomize