We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
