The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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