Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
