Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
