i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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