i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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