It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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