The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize