She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize