what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You ate ashes out of my bong
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
