you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
