my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
