There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
