Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
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