whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
