I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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