I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
