My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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