i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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