I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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