Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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