I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
