nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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