Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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