At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
