Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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