She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
