I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
