grandma shit on top of the toilet
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
