I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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