Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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