How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize