She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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