How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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