I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
