WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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