my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
