The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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