I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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