guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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