I wish I only lived at night.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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