life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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