ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
