I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
