I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
