god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You are the jesus of drinking
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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