just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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