Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
