I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
