I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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