i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just high enough for therapy.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize