and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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