Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
