this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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