I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He better not be in your backpack
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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